I am exhausted. My frustrations this week began with the murder of George Floyd. (Donate here.) As this week has progressed, my social media feeds have been bombarded with pure ignorance, and tone-deaf commentary coming from those who can’t seem to grasp what is going on right now.
As many of you may know, I have resided in the Inland Empire for many years. My experience as a black woman in this very white space was at times really interesting - I sometimes viewed it as an opportunity and a platform to advocate for my people. Unfortunately, most of my attempts in doing that were silenced, belittled, and dismissed with phrases like, “you’re being extra” and “it’s not that deep.” I had non-black people silencing my experiences to tell me what they observed instead. These things are only being amplified now. I’ve come across old teachers of mine and many old “friends” whom I thought I stood in solidarity with reveal their true feelings about my people in the timespan of 2 days. Some of these people I had been friends with for 10+ years. It has become so frustrating attempting to educate those around me over and over again that I am at the point where instead I am just blocking people because I don’t have the strength to teach someone who isn’t willing to learn. I am trying to guard my heart from things that are triggering, and I can’t even check my messages without coming across something that makes my stomach turn. I stumbled upon a post made by my old church today, (a very large, white church located in Corona, CA.) regarding George Floyd and the current events surrounding his death, and the first thing I saw was a comment that says “these people are animals.” (Which as of Saturday, May 30th at 8:57 PM...has not been deleted. The comment has been up for 12 hours.) The post itself had a caption that didn’t say All Lives Matter directly, but upon reading it, one can only assume what the OP really wanted to say. With that being said, yes..we are all created equally, but if you break an arm, are you going to put a cast on your leg? No. If your oven is broken, are you going to fix your toaster? No. Privilege is the only thing holding anyone back from seeing why the All Lives Matter mindset is problematic. Aside from that, I am also very disappointed in many pastors, worship leaders, and other white Christians with large platforms who are staying completely silent on these matters. There was one girl around my age with a following of about 145k whom I really, really looked up to. She’s said not a word, but instead uploaded videos of herself playing golf and sharing an iced coffee with a friend. Silence is 100% part of the issue, but they don’t care. I’ve been thinking about how organizations like Bethel are whenever a situation arises where a white life is in danger or needing assistance, and how quiet they are now in comparison. Furthermore, I came across something yesterday that infuriated me to the point of tears. Someone I know said absolutely nothing about George Floyd or police brutality, but made sure to post a video comparing civil rights “peaceful protests” to this weeks riots, demonizing the latter. When I see things like that I just feel like they might as well have said “look, the n*ggers are n*ggering again.” Did Jesus not turn tables when he saw corruption within the temple? Was the Boston Tea Party not a riot? Even when peaceful black protests do occur, someone ends up dying anyway. I am tired of anti-black backhanded “advocacy.” I am tired of being in a constant state of defense. I am tired of my white friends minimizing the situation. I am tired of being dismissed. I am tired of people who have not lived through the same experiences as I, policing my opinions. I am tired of picking up my phone and feeling anxious about what kind of ignorance I am about to see. Anyway, in other news, I am very thankful for the love that is being shown to me through members of my current church. Several people have reached out to me over the past week to check on me and make sure I am doing okay. I am forever thankful for the love and the presence of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of those I have come to know in the past 6 months of me attending this church. No one from back home has said a thing to me about any of this. No one is obligated to do so of course, but I am just kinda shook, especially as I am the only black friend many of them have. (also sus) Speaking of going home, I took a Summer RA position last week, but now I’d love to go home. It was already stressful being here in relative solitude, but with everything going on, and also the fact that I am losing friends and followers for speaking up about what’s happening, things have become even more uncomfortable. Anyway, thank you for listening to my word/emotion vomit. I don’t even really feel like editing this. I need a hug. I am already a very sensitive person, and I just was not built to be in the position to constantly see everyone’s true feelings. My feelings are hurt, but even in a moment like this, I am reminded of the way God knew all of this was going to happen. I am reminded of His presence, and His security that I can dwell in while it seems like everything and everyone else is wavering. In Him alone do I have peace. Please check on your friends, and have some compassion. I pray for your comfort, your peace, and your joy. I pray that God’s light would become more visible to you right now. I pray that if you have found yourself doing any of the things I listed above, that God would soften your heart and give you the desire to challenge yourself to view things differently. Goodnight. xoxo, Deja |
AuthorMy name is Deja Spears, I am 23, and I am thankful that you are here. Archives
May 2020
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